Paula Abdul, what is it pussy cat?

I've actually been thinking about Nancy Grace, not Paula Abdul. But I just Googled NG to see if I'm alone in my feelings of revulsion and awe, and I am not. In fact, there are a number of web sites dedicated to her undoing in the strongest terms. I had planned to devote a long-winded riff to her nasal offensiveness and the sad state of broadcast journalism when a person such as Grace gets dedicated air time, but others have done this already, so I will not. I feel comforted that I am not alone. So I will move along to the next offensive person on my list. This was a toss up between Vladimir Putin and Paula Abdul. Unfortunately, my feelings toward Putin are somewhat ambivalent. Though I fear his desire to reinstate a USSR-style regime in Mother Russia, I admire--against better judgment--his taut and limber frame, his stately swagger, and his penchant for Judo and tiger wrestling. His confidence is seductive, but I will not go there. No. I will talk about Ms. Abdul since my position in this matter is much clearer.

As a devotee of American Idol, and an erstwhile denizen of the 80s, it should follow that I would have greater tolerance than most for Ms. Abdul. I'm sorry to say that this is not the case. I do not care for the way she flaunts her abuse of pharmaceuticals on prime time television, and I especially do not believe she is qualified to be a music critic and judge. This latter point is the reason I'm up now at 1:40 a.m. and not ensconced in my duvet beneath the soothing oscillations of my white noise fan with Pissy Boy entrenched between my legs. It is Ms. Abdul who keeps me awake, thanks to that infomercial I felt compelled to watch earlier this evening. You see, Paula has her own line of costume jewelry. It is, as one would expect, a garish collection of bangles encrusted with rhinestones and sappy maudlin type engravings, which Ms. Abdul admitted on live television to having composed herself. The consumer may buy a gargantuan sparkle bracelet with the following words embossed on the inside cuff: "He Loves Me, I Love Me More." I mean really. What does that tell us? Is she advocating narcissism? And if that much self-love abounded why in god's name would that person resort to such a level of self-bedizenment? I submit to you that one would not waste money on a trinket that would detract from one's natural beauty and innate self-love. Only a self-loathing and attention-seeking philistine would purchase something from Ms. Abdul's insulting line of glitter crap. Truly.

Next: Why is she a featured judge on America's favorite talent show, American Idol? I have some vague recollection of her having had a minor hit in the 80s with accompanying music video that involved Ms. Abdul wrestling a rodent. Prior to that I believe she was a cheerleader. As far as I know, cheerleaders do not sing. They chant. Nor do they work in an industry where singing is even practiced, unless we count the Nation Anthem, which we do not. No, Ms. Abdul is decidedly NOT qualified to pass judgment on others when it comes to vocal ability. The fact that she has slithered her way into the good graces of Simon Fuller, the Faustian producer of the show, means that her talents surely lie elsewhere, and I, for one, find this type of behavior shameless, particularly at her age.