It's Time to Kill Your Dog, Folks. Liberty Insurance Says So.

Some folks are cat people, and others are dog people, and in many cases, never the twain shall meet. But in our household we swing both ways. Yes, we are bi-petual, and will lavish attention on all creatures great and small, regardless of race, creed or sexual orientation.

Alas, it's a cold, harsh world outside these walls, and we have recently witnessed some extreme prejudice when it comes to our furry familiars.

Most recently, we made a trek up to Ohio to look for a house. We thought we might rent a place first, and then leisurely peruse the area for a suitable home to purchase in due time.

Eagerly, we consulted the Yellow Pages to source real estate agents and put them to task. At first, sensing our innate decency, no doubt, and our full purses, they were filled with vim and vigor, ready to bring forth addresses galore that might fit our housing needs. That is, until they got to... the "pet" question--thrown casually at the end of the survey, as if an archaic inclusion that surely no one would answer in the affirmative. But we did. Yes, 2 dogs. One cat. Breeds? Umm, mini-greyhound and (more softly) a German Shepherd. Yes, a German Shepherd. The agent would then summon an alternate personality, and his/her tone would invariably assume that officious timbre one uses with children when they engage in outlandish acts ("No, Billy. We do not tinkle on the baby's head.")

Yes, with that final disclosure--our shameful pet status--we joined a special caste of untouchables: the pet people.

Well fuck them, we said. We want to buy a house anyhow, not rent. So with this in mind, we set about finding our dream house. After participating in a bewildering paper chase/busy work extravaganza (see "I Pine..." below), we secured--well almost--a fair approximation of that dream house. And this was no McMansion, but a bona fide vintage dwelling, lovingly constructed in the year of our lord eighteen hundred and ninety, A.D. It is/was? situated on 3 glorious acres on which the dogs could, if allowed, romp and frolic till to their heart's content. Indoors the house has scads of room, ample enough so that man and beast might co-exist in blissful harmony. Perfect! Or not...

We're so close to our closing date that we can almost taste it. But there's a hold up: the pets. Yes, forget those rights to pursuit of happiness and constitution/amendments that say we have some agency here in the land of amber waves of grain. This only applies to those who are NOT in possession of ...firearms? No, that's not it. Drugs? Nope. Pets? Yes, if you dare to flaunt your pet loving ways then you, dear citizen, are putting yourself and others at risk, and Liberty Insurance, for one, is not going to stand for it. You can count on that.

And so our final hurdle before we close--to procure homeowners insurance--is proving to be yet another mindless obstacle constructed by the Special Olympics bureaucrats of the housing world: the insurance company--who notoriously feel that using that lowest common denominator of the academic world--the statistician--justifies the quashing and squashing of dreams. This time, our beloved, middle-aged German Shepherd, Kazan, is holding us up. Now on any given day, Kazan can be seen begging our cat Pissy Boy for clemency, as said cat holds him hostage at dinner time. This dog--did I mention that he's on Liberty's "vicious animal" list??--has been known to cry out in alarm at the sight of the vacuum cleaner, to groom his nether regions with wild abandon, to engage in hostile acts against the monkey sock toy, and finally, to lick the hands of complete strangers before collapsing on the floor at their feet and begging for a belly rub.

Yes, it is fitting that Liberty Insurance is wary of this vicious creature. It is fitting that in these dire economic times, with a domino effect housing crisis in our midst, that the good folks at Liberty have taken it upon themselves to provide some meaningful standards to help the American people participate in the tax base, and to take to heart the task of building our economy back up. With these things in mind, I must concede, it is totally fitting that we are denied home owner's insurance, when this evil miscreant we harbor could be the undoing of the insurance world, and the American people. I applaud you Liberty Insurance, for your sound business practices.