Angels & Demons Movie Review (Spoiler Alert!)

I freely admit that I'm a total sucker for all things papal, demonic, nunish or armageddon-esque. If there's conflict or corruption among the clergy, then all the better. If the world as we know it might be annihilated by cosmic, divine or natural forces, I WILL BE THERE to witness the destruction--albeit on celluloid. If some sporting director has the good sense to combine all of the above, then he/she can be assured of my little contribution to the royalties.

I'm not sure how or why this fetish for clergy developed, but I suspect it has something to do with Mammy (my mother's mother) calling me into her bedroom as she lay on her deathbed, then pressing a rosary into my little 5-year-old palm and hissing "Keep it with you at all times! And don't let your father see it!"

This impressed me greatly in combination with the Wake that soon followed and involved much chanting of Hail Mary's as she lay in state in a white negligee (I know what she was wearing because an evil older cousin and I pried the casket open to have a look...resulting in 6 solid years of nightmares featuring my dead grandmother in her bridalesque negligee). But enough of me. I went to the cinema with the spousal this evening to have a look at Angels & Demons, the much anticipated follow-up to Ron Howard's rendering of The da Vinci Code, the pulp bestseller by the vapid yet damn lucky and now disgustingly affluent Dan Brown. As long as we're invoking the sacrament of confession here, I have to admit that I did read both books (DVC and A&D), all because of the spectacular hype that surrounded them at the time of publication. I remember reading The daVinci Code and thinking "Hmm. This is really badly written," and then later studying both texts for formulaic clues since Mr. Brown was laughing all the way to the bank with his bad writing.

So, since I read the damn books, and then saw the bad first movie, I felt compelled to complete the ordeal by viewing the second movie, Angels & Demons. I will try not to include too much spoiler content, but I do need to address a few concerns if this review is to have any meaning at all (which I doubt it will in any event, but I will pretend that that's my goal).

First, in Tom Hank's opening scene, we see "him" flipping dolphin or Phelps-like through the Harvard University swimming pool, clad in royal blue Speedos. We never get an underwater full shot, so I believe it was a swim stunt body double which I suspect was necessary for Mr. Hanks as he is now approaching later middle age and has no doubt lost his perky glutes. I was not the least bit convinced that it was Hanks in the pool. Also, when the camera cut to another angle (Hanks lurching out of the pool, invigorated yet exhausted by his underwater contortions), I didn't buy for one moment the idea that he was winded. I was very disappointed in the minimal thespian craftmanship, and this cast a pall on the entire viewing experience. I continued to watch while popping excessive amounts of Reeses Pieces and Salt Corn, but I was on guard from that point on.

Next, there was some drama at the Vatican, but I won't tell you what in case you like to be surprised. Suffice to say that the pageant was colorful and yet strangely powerless to move me. I didn't shed a single tear when the old pope died and the cardinals all looked worried. Not one.

So next we cut to a scene at CERN where physicists, but only attractive and/or elderly ones, are trying to get anti-matter to present itself in one of those banking tubes you put your deposit slip in if you do the drive thu banking. It's all very exciting until someone gets hurt. I didn't buy it though, because I didn't get to see the character die his hideous death. Just before: old man genius on physics lab video monitor looking awed at CGI effect contained in banking tube. And then after: stunt double corpse looking corpsely. I didn't buy it at all, and further more, didn't care.

Ok, so of course Tom Hanks is brought to the Vatican to fix things, but many in the Swiss Guard are skeptical, because he is a symbologist, which is a fake academic. No one buys this at all, but still they let him lead the team of investigators to find out why Cardinals are getting kidnapped. What follows then is a cat and mouse style chase through the labyrinthine city of Rome, so that Hanks can save the day and anti-matter can be revisited by the dishy physicist Victoria and then greater questions about science and faith can be explored. Ok, that's part and parcel of this sort of drama, but I didn't buy for ONE MOMENT that they were actually in Rome. I am very disappointed in Ron Howard. I think he filmed the whole thing in San Fernando valley. Because of this I cared nothing for the hapless Cardinals, nor for Victoria and her bank tube of anti-matter. I won't reveal the ending, but you can imagine that nothing bad could ever happen to Tom Hanks, America's favorite Bosom Buddy. Even if his butt is no longer nubile and pert.

So what can I say. Yes, if you--like I--must attend all events devoted to the exploration of clerical annihilation and larger questions concerning how disorganized the human race is, then run immediately to the cinema. If, on the other hand, you require method acting and on-site filming of historic locales, then walk away and wash your hands of it.

On a final note, as I stood in the lobby waiting for spousal to visit the urinals after the film was over, a man with an artificial leg exited the men's room. Immediately another man down the hall began shrieking "We've got something in common, you and I". And indeed they had, because the yelling man also had an artificial leg. They began to talk like old and long lost friends, and I was able to listen to a gruesome retelling of how each had lost a limb. It was as heartwarming an ending as I ever saw to any movie, and the best thing about Ron Howard's Angels & Demons..