You've all heard the phrase "your call will be taken in the order in which it was received" and perhaps wondered: is that grammatically correct? You know The Nutcracker Suite and Eine Kleine Nachtmusik by heart. You have grown to loathe yet tolerate that chirpy automated voice that makes you utter the words "English." "Yes," "Billing," with stoic precision to a machine.More often than not the automated voice doesn't understand and responds with "I'm sorry, did you say you wanted to slap your thighs and spin in a circle?" You enunciate carefully: "NO." Suddenly you sneeze, and the voice takes this to mean that you would like to be thrown back to the starting menu. Undaunted the voice says "Let's try again!" and so it goes until your blood pressure begins to rise and you find yourself screaming "AGENT!" "HUMAN!" "GIVE ME A HUMAN!"
Some pre-programmed mechanism responds to the word "Agent" and you are miraculously transported to a living, breathing human being (though you suspect that humans have been screening this exchange all along amid stifled hoots of laughter). You are asked to identify yourself. You do so. You are asked for your account number. You don't know it and begin to panic. Your agent says it's ok. It wasn't needed after all. You explain your grievance and the agent listens politely and asks if she/he can put you on hold for a moment. With a sinking feeling you know that you must agree to this, but also that the word "moment" is flexible in its usage...
You move to the couch to recline, and listen to some new age muzak designed to lull you into a stupor. Occasionally the chirpy automated voice rouses you to remind you that your call is very important. You watch as the shadows grow longer, and wonder if you really needed to accomplish anything else today. Eventually, one of two things happens: you lose patience and hang up after listening to the Pina Colada Song once too often, or the disconnected signal pulses through your receiver, and you become aware that the call has cut into the agent's lunch break time. You imagine activity on the other side that resembles some savage scene from Lord of the Flies. The silent flashing hold line issues its distress signal in muted anger. You must start again. But in order to prevail you must have the stamina. It is no sport for the feint of heart...
This seems contrary to the messages we're given through the company's advertising campaign. Yes, we've all seen those creepy commercials where some hapless cell phone user finds himself lost in a cellular dead zone, is then confronted by a character straight out of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and is then relieved to find that a network of folk sporting polo shirts and tan slacks has materialized to enact an intervention. We have seen the ads promising bundles of goodies at sell-out prices that will enable us to watch our digital tvs (and even control content and air time via DVR). We are tempted by their "better" high speed modems. Their landline bells and whistles. Hey, and it's ALL UNDER THE UMBRELLA OF A SINGLE COMPANY. Hell, let's invoke those first amendment rights and call them "Horizon Network." This is the Death Star planet of the digital world. These folks, if you let them, will monopolize your household communications apparati and then will have you by the short hairs. Caveat emptor, fair consumer. We don't have axioms like "don't put all your eggs in one basket" for nothin'.
